These are actual newspaper ads.

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.

FREE PUPPIES… Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.
FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a reward.

YOUNG COWS: NEVER BRED $300 each. Also 1 gay bull $250.

NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown – 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake. $375 Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren’t able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said….

“Daddy look at this,” and she stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, “Daddy”s gonna eat your fingers!” pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, “What’s wrong, honey?”

She replied, “What happened to my booger?”

Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of each class, class sizes will be limited to a maximum of 8 participants. Registration must be completed by January 5th.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays
This class will feature step by step instruction and a slide presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll — Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor
This class will feature pictures and explanatory graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 4
After Dinner Dishes — Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
This class will feature examples on video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 5
Loss Of Identity — Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 6
Learning How To Find Things — Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 7
Health Watch — Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
This class will feature graphics and audio tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 8
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost
This class will feature real life testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 9
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
This class will feature driving simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.

Class 10
Learning to Live — Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 11
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
This class will feature relaxation exercises, meditation, and breathing techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 12
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy — Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You’re Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 13
The Stove/Oven — What It Is and How It Is Used.
This class will feature a live demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.

DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?” “No,” replied Johnny. “How could he, with just two worms.”

THE GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?” A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up.

STORY OF ELIJAH
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. “Now,” said the teacher,” can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?” A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, “I know, she said, “to make the gravy.”

LOT’S WIFE
The Sunday school teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted, “My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving,” he announced triumphantly, “and she turned into a telephone pole!

POOR LION
A Sunday school teacher was telling the youngsters about Daniel and the Lion’s Den. She had a picture of Daniel standing, brave and confident, with a group of lions around him. One little girl started to cry. The teacher said, “Don’t cry. The lions are not going to eat Daniel.” The girl said, “That’s not what I’m crying about. That little lion, over in the corner, isn’t going to get any food.”

HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, “We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?” One child blurted out, “Aces!”

SUNDAY SCHOOL
Nine year old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. “Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.” “Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked.” Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”

THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible—Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Bobby was excited about the task. But, he just couldn’t remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby was real nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, “The Lord is my shepherd and that’s all I need to know!”

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon. He placed four worms into four separate jars. The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol — Dead.

The second worm in cigarette smoke — Dead.

Third worm in chocolate syrup — Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil — Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation – What can you learn from this demonstration?

A little old woman in the back quickly raised her hand and said, “As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”

Don’t you just love little old ladies?

If Biblical Headlines were written by today’s media…

On Red Sea crossing:
WETLANDS TRAMPLED IN LABOR STRIKE
Pursuing Environmentalists Killed

On David vs. Goliath:
HATE CRIME KILLS BELOVED CHAMPION
Psychologist Questions Influence of Rock

On Elijah on Mt. Carmel:
FIRE SENDS RELIGIOUS RIGHT EXTREMIST INTO FRENZY
400 Killed

On the birth of Christ:
HOTELS FULL, ANIMALS LEFT HOMELESS
Animal Rights Activists Enraged by Insensitive Couple

On feeding the 5,000:
PREACHER STEALS CHILD’S LUNCH
Disciples Mystified Over Behavior

On healing the 10 lepers:
LOCAL DOCTOR’S PRACTICE RUINED
“Faith Healer” Causes Bankruptcy

On healing of the Gadarene demoniac:
MADMAN’S FRIEND CAUSES STAMPEDE
Local Farmer’s Investment Lost

On raising Lazarus from the dead:
FUNDAMENTALIST PREACHER RAISES A STINK
Will Reading to be Delayed

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless.

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible?
A. Pharaoh’s daughter. She went down to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land. Also, probably a Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. “Your mother ate us out of house and home.”

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Q. Who is the greatest baby sitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath to a very deep sleep.

Q. Which Bible character had no parents?
A. Joshua, son of Nun.

Q. Why didn’t they play cards on the Ark?
A. Because Noah was standing on the deck. (Groannn…)

10. Doesn’t practice all week, but expects to start on game day.

9. Gets upset when every ball that’s hit doesn’t come directly to him.

8. Never swings at a pitch because, “this pitcher doesn’t throw like the last pitcher. The game’s just not the same since he left.”

7. Wants to run home before going to first base.

6. Chatters in order to keep his own teammates from hitting the ball.

5. Doesn’t come to the game unless the coach personally calls him on the phone, each week, and invites him to show up.

4. Won’t run after the ball if it’s more than three feet away. After all, surely somebody will get it sooner or later.

3. Thinks baseball cleats are for leaving neat designs on his teammates backs.

2. Gets upset because the phone line to the bull pen doesn’t have call waiting. If it did, he could gripe about how bad the pitcher is doing, and yet never miss out if someone wanted to talk about the catcher.

1. Thinks the game will last so long, that the concession stand will be closed before it’s over.

Face it…

• Nobody owes you a living.

• What you achieve or fail to achieve in your lifetime is directly related to what you do or fail to do.

• No one chooses his parents or childhood but you can choose your own direction.

• Everyone has problems and obstacles to overcome but that too is relative to each individual.

Nothing is carved in stone…

• You can change anything in your life if you want to badly enough.

• Excuses are for losers.

• Those that take responsibility for their actions are the real winners in life.

• Winners meet life’s challenges in life head on knowing there are no guarantees and give it all they’ve got.

• It’s never too late or too early to begin. Time plays no favorites and will pass whether you act or not.

Take control of your life…

• Dare to dream and take risks.

• If you aren’t willing to work for your goals, don’t expect others to.