• Genesis	Begin with God.
• Exodus	Come out for God.
• Leviticus	Get right with God.
• Numbers	Get somewhere!
• Deuteronomy	Stop and think.
• Joshua	Take the land.
• Judges	Watch the borders.
• Ruth	Gather the grain.
• 1 Samuel	Light the altar lamps.
• 2 Samuel	Call David—God’s anointed.
• 1 Kings	Set the King on his throne.
• 2 Kings	Get the mantle.
• 1 Chronicles	Keep the royal line.
• 2 Chronicles	Honor the King.
• Ezra	Repair God’s house.
• Nehemiah	Rebuild God’s city.
• Esther	Trust God’s grace.
• Job	“Let Him have His way with you.”
• Psalms	Praise and pray.
• Proverbs	Walk and work.
• Ecclesiastes	“Fear God”—if you be wise.
• Song of Songs	Love Him with all your heart.
• Isaiah	He is coming!
• Jeremiah	Get ready with cleansing.
• Lamentations	Get ready with weeping.
• Ezekiel	He will restore the Temple.
• Daniel	He will bring the Kingdom.
• Hosea	Return, therefore, O Israel.
• Joel	Sound the alarm.
• Amos	Drop the plumb line.
• Obadiah	Possess your possessions.
• Jonah	“Preach the preaching I bid thee.”
• Micah	Look and live.
• Nahum	Behold, the mountains quake!
• Habakkuk	But there’s light ahead.
• Zephaniah	So sing, as you go.
• Haggai	Work as you go.
• Zechariah	“For the Lord shall yet comfort Zion.”
• Malachi	Lo! His Messenger!
• Matthew	The Messiah is here!
• Mark	His wonderful works prove Him.
• Luke	He is a friend of sinners.
• John	He is the Son of God!
• Acts	He is at God’s right hand for us!
• Romans	Come to Him for righteousness.
• 1 Corinthians	For all the gifts of His grace.
• 2 Corinthians	For comfort and riches.
• Galatians	For freedom and power.
• Ephesians	For fulness of life.
• Philippians	Take Him for joy.
• Colossians	“Ye are complete in Him.”
• 1 Thessalonians	He is surely coming again!
• 2 Thessalonians	But wait and work till He comes.
• 1 Timothy	Guard the gospel.
• 2 Timothy	Guard the witness.
• Titus	Adorn the doctrine.
• Philemon	Be kind to all for His sake.
• Hebrews	He is our intercessor at the throne.
• James	Work out His salvation.
• 1 Peter	“To you who believe He is precious.”
• 2 Peter	To you who believe He is gracious—and glorious.
• 1 John	He is the life.
• 2 John	He is the truth.
• 3 John	He is the way.
• Jude	He is able to keep you from falling.
• Revelation	And to present you faultless at His appearing.

John Weaver Weddell • “Your Study Bible”
Published by The Sunday School Times Company • 1918

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida
on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day. The husband
checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in
his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he
accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without
noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile … somewhere in Houston … a widow had just returned home
from  her husband’s funeral. He was a Minister who was called home to
glory after suffering a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email,
expecting  messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first
message, she screamed and then fainted.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor,
and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2005
Subject: I Have Arrived!

Dearest Love:
I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now,
and you are allowed to send email to your loved ones. I have just
arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS … Sure is hot down here!

10. The church bus has gun racks

9. Staff consists of “Senior Pastor, Associate Pastor, and Socio-Pastor”

8. The Bible they use is the “Dr. Seuss Version”

7. ATM in the lobby

6. Services are B.Y.O.S. — “Bring Your Own Snake”

5. Choir wearing leather robes

4. No cover charge, but communion is a 2 drink minimum

3. Karaoke worship time

2. Ushers ask “Smoking or Non-Smoking?”

1. The only song the church organist knows is “Innagaddadavita”

1. You reuse last year’s Christmas cards and send them out under your own name. (5 points)

2. You steal light bulbs from you neighbor’s outdoor display to replenish your own supply. (5 points; 10 if neighbor’s whole light sets or lighted Santa goes out)

3. You have dressed a dog or cat as Santa Claus, elf helper, or reindeer. (10 points for each; if you dressed an endangered species, 5 extra points)

4. You put out last year’s stale candy canes for children. (1 point for each piece of sticky candy; if you also put out a chocolate or marzipan Santa, add 10 points)

5. You enclose a shoddy and inferior gift from Target, Wal-Mart, or K-Mart in a Bloomingdale’s or other prestige store’s box to impress your friends. (5 points for each infraction)

6. You make collect long distance phone calls to your family on Christmas day. (5 points; 10 if from a cell phone claiming you are stuck in a phone booth)

7. At the office Christmas party, you horde huge stockpiles of goodies for later consumption at home. (5 points; 15 points if you use this stuff for your own party)

8. You steal the wreath from a parked car to use on your own. (Southern California & Florida only, others ignore: 5 points)

9. After an invitation to a friend’s house, you bring a commercially-produced fruitcake and try to pass it off as homemade. (5 points; 15 points if the fruitcake is from last year)

10. Taking toys from the Toys-for-Tots collection bins is a definite no-no. (20 points)

Evaluate your score on the “Grinch Scale” from 20 to 100:

20-30: You’re just a cheeseball.
30-50: You’re an apprentice in Yuletide larceny and are probably wanted for overdue parking tickets.
50-100: Grinch, move over!

10. Your church started a new stewardship drive — every time you give, your chances of winning increase!

9. The choir has started wearing their bathrobes during the service.

8. The last few Sundays the Treasurer has gotten up half way through the service and turned the heat off.

7. The Preacher has worn the same suit every Sunday for the past three years.

6. The Deacons are starting to drool and growl as they collect the offering!

5. The offering plates have been sold and replaced with ice cream buckets.

4. The Treasurer has started wearing sackcloth and ashes!

3. You tried to call the Church Office last week but found that the phone’s been disconnected!

2. Parking meters had to be installed in the church parking lot.

1. As a Christian you understand the privilege it is to have a partnership in the Gospel!

I must send my thanks to whoever sent me the one about rat poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet towel with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy gasoline without taking a man along to watch the car so a serial killer won’t crawl in my back seat when I’m pumping gas.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put “Under God” on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face … disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don’t support our American troops or the Salvation Army.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer have any sneakers — but that will change once I receive my free replacement pair from Nike.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites me on the behind.

Thank you too for all the endless advice Andy Rooney has given us.  I can live a better life now because he’s told us how to fix everything.

And thanks to your great advice, I can’t ever pick up $5.00 I dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

Oh, and don’t forget this one either! I can no longer drive my car because I can’t buy gas from certain gas companies!

If you don’t send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM this afternoon and the fleas from 12 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. Lice from 50 monkeys will infest your armpits and other private areas, causing such itching you will not be allowed to be in mixed company, because of your rude scratching patterns, I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor’s ex-mother-in-law’s second husband’s cousin’s beautician.

Have a wonderful day.

10. There’s a case of bottled water beside the pulpit in a cooler.

9. The pews have camper hookups.

8. You overhear the pastor telling the sound man to have a few (dozen) extra tapes on hand to record today’s sermon.

7. The preacher has brought a snack to the pulpit.

6. The preacher breaks for an intermission.

5. The bulletins have pizza delivery menus.

4. When the preacher asks the deacon to bring in his notes, he rolls in a filing cabinet.

3. The choir loft is furnished with La-Z-Boys.

2. Instead of taking off his watch and laying it on the pulpit, the preacher turns up a four-foot hour-glass.

1. The minister says, “You’ll be out in time to watch the Super Bowl!” and it’s only November!

‘Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,
And all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of cherry.

A bed sock was taped to each walker, in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky to be there with friends,
Secure in this residence and in our Depends.

Our grandkids had sent us some Christmassy crafts,
Like angels in snowsuits and penguins on rafts.
The dental assistant had borrowed our teeth,
And from them she’d crafted a holiday wreath.

The bedpans, so shiny, all stood in a row,
Reflecting our candle’s magnificent glow.
Our supper so festive — the joy wouldn’t stop —
Was creamy warm oatmeal with sprinkles on top.

Our salad was Jell-O, so jiggly and great,
Then puree of fruitcake was spooned on each plate.
The social director then had us play games,
Like “Where Are You Living?”  And “What Are Your Names?”

Old Grandfather Looper was feeling his oats,
Proclaiming that reindeer were nothing but goats.
Our resident wanderer was close to her chair,
We hoped that at bedtime she still would be there.

Security lights on the new fallen snow
Made outdoors seem noontime to the old folks below.
Then out on the porch there arose quite a clatter
But we were so deaf that it just didn’t matter.

A strange little fellow flew in through the door,
Then tripped on the sill and fell flat on the  floor.
‘Twas just our director, all togged out in red.
He jiggled and chuckled and patted each head.

We knew from the way that he strutted and jived
Our social security checks had arrived.
We sang — how we sang — in our monotone croak,
Till the clock tinkled out its soft eight-p.m. stroke.

And soon we were snuggling deep in our beds.
While nurses distributed nocturnal meds.
And so ends our Christmas at Rock-Away Rest.
‘fore long you’ll be with us, and we wish you the best.

A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.

Well, it dates back to our honeymoon,” explained the man. “We visited The Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom on the canyon by pack mule.

We hadn’t gone too far when my wife’s mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, ‘That’s once.’

We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, ‘That’s twice.’

We hadn’t gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her pocket and shot the mule dead.

I started to protest over her treatment of the mule when she looked at me and quietly said … “That’s once.”

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from generation to generation, says that, “When you discover that you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount and get a different horse.” However, in government, education, corporate America, and churches, more advanced strategies are often employed, such as:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

4. Arranging to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses.

5. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

6. Reclassifying the dead horse as living impaired.

7. Hiring outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

8. Harnessing several dead horses together to increase speed.

9. Providing additional funding and/or training to increase the dead horse’s performance.

10. Doing a productivity study to see if lighter riders would improve the dead horse’s performance.

11. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses.

12. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses.

And, of course….

13. Promoting the dead horse to a supervisory position.