In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.”

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard, but no Ark.

“Noah!” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization is checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

The trades unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.”

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”

“No,” said the Lord. “The government beat me to it.”

A different look at the parable of the prodigal son.

Feeling footloose and frisky, a feather-brained fellow forced his fond father to fork over the farthings. He flew far to foreign fields and frittered his fortune, feasting fabulously with faithless friends.

Finally facing famine and fleeced by his fellows-in-folly, he found himself a feed-flinger in a filthy farmyard. Fairly famishing, he fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from the fodder fragments. “Fooey, my father’s flunkies fare far fancier.” The frazzled fugitive fumed feverishly, frankly facing facts.

Frustrated by failure and filled with foreboding he fled forthwith to his family. Falling at his father’s feet, he floundered forlornly, “Father, I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited family favor…” But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching, frantically flagged the flunkies to fetch forth the finest fatling and fix a feast.

The fugitive’s fault-finding frater frowned on the fickle forgiveness of former folderol. His fury flashed—but fussing was futile. The far-sighted father figured, “Such filial fidelity is fine, but what forbids fervent festivity—for the fugitive is found! Unfurl the flags. With fanfares flaring, let fun and frolic freely flow. Former failure is forgotten, folly forsaken. Forgiveness forms the foundation for future fortitude.”

Forged and Fabricated from Luke 15:11-32
Written by Phil Kerr

Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What’s the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work; dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller; stronger, but moms have all the real power because that’s who you have to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.
2. I’d make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.

Did you hear about the Texas teacher who was helping one of her kindergarten students put on his cowboy boots?

He asked for help, and with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots still didn’t want to go on. Finally, when the second boot was on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, “Teacher, they’re on the wrong feet.”

She looked and sure enough, they were. It wasn’t any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool, as together they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the right feet.

He then announced, “These aren’t my boots.”

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream, “Why didn’t you say so?” like she wanted to.

And, once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they gotten the boots off and he said, “They’re my brother’s boots. My Mom made me wear ’em.”

Now she didn’t know if she should laugh or cry. But, she mustered up the grace and courage she had left to, again, wrestle the boots on his feet.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, “Now, where are your mittens?” He said, “I stuffed ’em in the toes of my boots.”

Her trial starts next month.

1. Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

2. Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is no money in the account?

3. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

4. Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?

5. Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

6. Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?

7. Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

8. Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

9. Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?

10. If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

11. Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

12. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

13. Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

14. Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

15. Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

16. How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

17. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

18. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

19. How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

20. If at first you don’t succeed, shouldn’t you try it like your wife told you to do it?

21. And obviously if at first you don’t succeed, then don’t take up sky diving!

22. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they’re okay, then it’s you.

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving sausage balls.

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can — and quickly. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it! That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

These are actual newspaper ads.

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites.

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.

FREE PUPPIES… Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog.
FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat. Been out a while. Better be a reward.

YOUNG COWS: NEVER BRED $300 each. Also 1 gay bull $250.

NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used, call Chubby.

GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown – 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300.

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake. $375 Call Stephanie.

FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

Eleven people were hanging on a rope under a helicopter, ten men and one woman.

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren’t able to name that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech. She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.

As soon as she finished her speech, all the men started clapping.

As I was packing for my business trip, my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point, she said….

“Daddy look at this,” and she stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, “Daddy”s gonna eat your fingers!” pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.

When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, “What’s wrong, honey?”

She replied, “What happened to my booger?”

Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of each class, class sizes will be limited to a maximum of 8 participants. Registration must be completed by January 5th.

Class 1
How To Fill Up The Ice Cube Trays
This class will feature step by step instruction and a slide presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 2
The Toilet Paper Roll — Does It Change Itself?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.

Class 3
Fundamental Differences Between The Laundry Hamper and The Floor
This class will feature pictures and explanatory graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.

Class 4
After Dinner Dishes — Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Kitchen Sink?
This class will feature examples on video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM

Class 5
Loss Of Identity — Losing The Remote To Your Significant Other.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM

Class 6
Learning How To Find Things — Starting With Looking In The Right Places And Not Turning The House Upside Down While Screaming.
Open Forum.
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.

Class 7
Health Watch — Bringing Her Flowers Is Not Harmful To Your Health.
This class will feature graphics and audio tapes.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 8
Real Men Ask For Directions When Lost
This class will feature real life testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.

Class 9
Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly While She Parallel Parks?
This class will feature driving simulations.
4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.

Class 10
Learning to Live — Basic Differences Between Mother and Wife.
Online Classes and role-playing.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined.

Class 11
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion
This class will feature relaxation exercises, meditation, and breathing techniques.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.

Class 12
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy — Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You’re Going To Be Late.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.

Class 13
The Stove/Oven — What It Is and How It Is Used.
This class will feature a live demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM, location to be determined.

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued to the survivors.