A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.

No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

There are no new sins … the old ones just get more publicity.

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number!

Think about this… No one ever says “It’s only a game” when his team is winning.

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

I’ve reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

Be careful reading the fine print. There’s no way you’re going to like it.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can’t buy happiness — but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than in a Yugo.

After a certain age, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

Reality is the murder of a beautiful theory by a gang of ugly facts.

Birds of a feather flock together and mess on your car.
When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ” XL.”

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”