Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. • Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. • Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. • Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. • Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.• Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. • Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. • Alex Levine

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. • Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. • Ed Furgol

Money can’t buy you happiness… but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. • Spike Milligan

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. • Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires… but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. • Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. • Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. •Herbert Henry Asquith

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. • Bob Hope

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. • Will Rogers

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation… as you grow older, it will avoid you. • Winston Churchill

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty…but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. • Phyllis Diller

The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good spit it out. • Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. • Billy Crystal