Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint. • Mark Twain

What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. • Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. • Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. • Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.• Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back. • Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat. • Alex Levine

Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first. • Mark Twain

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying. • Ed Furgol

Money can’t buy you happiness… but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery. • Spike Milligan

What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money. • Henny Youngman

I am opposed to millionaires… but it would be dangerous to offer me the position. • Mark Twain

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was shut up. • Joe Namath

Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. •Herbert Henry Asquith

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap. • Bob Hope

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. • Will Rogers

Don’t worry about avoiding temptation… as you grow older, it will avoid you. • Winston Churchill

Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty…but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. • Phyllis Diller

The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good spit it out. • Unknown

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. • Billy Crystal

  That’s Eternity!

As we know, we see discrimination in some form or another almost everyday and, often times, it leaves a sour taste in our mouths. The following story shows us the side of diversity that we should all work for. It is a pleasant twist to see that there are companies and individuals who face discrimination head on, if only one small step at a time.

On a British Airways flight from Johannesburg, a middle-aged, well-off white South African Lady found herself sitting next to a black man. She called the cabin crew attendant over to complain about her seating.

“What seems to be the problem Madam?” asked the attendant.

“Can’t you see?” she said “You’ve sat me next to a kaffir. I can’t possibly sit next to this disgusting human. Find me another seat!”

“Please calm down Madam.” The stewardess replied. “The flight is very full today, but I’ll tell you what I’ll do — I’ll go and check to see if we have any seats available in club or first class.”

The woman cocked a snooty look at the outraged black man beside her (not to mention many of the surrounding passengers). A few minutes later the stewardess returned with the good news, which she delivered to the lady, who looked at the people around her with a smug and self satisfied grin:

“Madam, unfortunately, as I suspected, economy is full. I’ve spoken to the cabin services director, and club is also full. However, we do have one seat in first class.”

Before the lady had a chance to answer, the stewardess continued… “It is most extraordinary to make this kind of upgrade, however, and I had to get special permission from the captain. But, given the circumstances, the captain felt that it was outrageous that someone be forced to sit next to such an obnoxious person.”

Having said that, flight attendant turned to the black man sitting next to her, and said: “So if you’d like to get your things, sir, I have your seat ready for you…” — at which point the surrounding passengers stood and gave a standing ovation while the black man walked up to the front of the plane.

Always Remember:
People will forget what you said…
People will forget what you did…
but people will never forget how you made them feel.

Here is a man who was born in an obscure village, the Child of a peasant woman. He worked in a carpenter shop until He was thirty, and then for three years He was an itinerant preacher.

He never wrote a book. He never held an office. He never owned a home. He never had a family. He never went to college. He never put His foot inside a big city. He never traveled two hundred miles from the place where He was born.

He never did one of the things that usually accompany greatness. He had no credentials but Himself. He had nothing to do with this world except the naked power of His divine manhood.

While still a young man, the tide of popular opinion turned against Him. He was turned over to His enemies. He went through the mockery of a trial. He was nailed to a cross between two thieves. His executioners gambled for the only piece of property He had on earth while He was dying—and that was His coat.

When He was dead He was taken down and laid in a borrowed grave through the pity of a friend. Such was His human life. But, He rose from the dead.Nineteen wide centuries have come and gone and today He is the Centerpiece of the human race and the Leader of the column of progress.

I am within the mark when I say that all the armies that ever marched, and all the navies that ever were built, and all the parliaments that ever sat, and all the kings that ever reigned, put together, have not affected the life of man upon this earth as powerfully as that One Solitary Life.

By Dr. James Allan Francis when he served as pastor of First Baptist Church of Los Angeles.

One Sunday an old cowboy entered a church just before services were to begin.

Although the old man and his clothes were clean, he wore jeans, a denim shirt and boots that were very worn. He carried a worn out old hat and an equally worn out Bible.

The church was in a very upscale part of the city, the largest and most beautiful church the old cowboy had ever seen. The people of the congregation were likewise upscale, dressed with the most expensive of clothes.

As the cowboy took a seat, the others moved away from him. No one greeted, spoke to, or welcomed him. They were appalled at his appearance and didn’t attempt to hide it. The preacher gave a long sermon and a lecture on how much money the church needed to do God’s work.

As the old cowboy was leaving the church, the preacher approached him and asked the cowboy to do him a favor. “Before you come back, have a talk with God and ask him what He thinks would be appropriate attire for worship.” The old cowboy assured the preacher he would.

The next Sunday, he returned to the same church wearing the same ragged jeans. Again, the congregation shunned and ignored him. Again, the preacher approached him and said, “I thought I asked you to speak to God”…. ”

“I did,” replied the old cowboy.

“What exactly did God say was the proper attire for worshiping here?” asked the preacher.

“Well, sir, God told me that He didn’t have a clue what I should wear. He says He’s never been in this church.”

Someday when my children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates a parent, I will tell them, as my mean Mom and Dad told me:

• I loved you enough to ask where you were going, with whom, and what time you would be home.

• I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover that your new best friend was a creep.

• I loved you enough to stand over you for two hours while you cleaned your room, a job that should have taken 15 minutes.

• I loved you enough to let you see anger, disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children must learn that their parents aren’t perfect.

• I loved you enough to let you assume the responsibility for your actions even when the penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart.

• But most of all, I loved you enough to say “No” when I knew you would hate me for it.

Those were the most difficult battles of all. I’m glad I won them, because in the end you won, too. And someday when your children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates parents, you will tell them.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when the does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

19. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

20. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

Many years ago, while watching a little TV on Sunday instead of going to church, I watched a Church in Atlanta recognizing one of its senior pastors who had been retired many years. He was 92 at that time and I wondered why the Church even bothered to ask the old gentleman to preach at that age.

After a warm welcome and introduction of this speaker, the applause quieted down. The old gentleman rose from his high back chair and walked slowly to the podium, with great effort and a sliding gate. Without a note or written paper of any kind, he placed both hands on the pulpit to steady himself and then quietly and slowly he began to speak.

“When I was asked to come here today and talk to you, your pastor asked me to tell you what was the greatest lesson ever learned in my 50 odd years of preaching. I thought about it for a few days and boiled it down to just one thing that made the most difference in my life and sustained me through all my trials … the one thing that I could always rely on when tears and heart break and pain and fear and sorrow paralyzed me … the only thing that would comfort me was this verse…

“Jesus loves me this I know. For the Bible tells me so. Little ones to him belong. We are weak but he is strong. Yes, Jesus loves me…The Bible tells me so.”

When he finished, the church was quiet. You actually could hear his foot steps as he shuffled back to his chair. I don’t believe I will ever forget it—the senior version of Jesus Loves Me.

A pastor once stated, “I noticed that it was always the adults who chose the children’s hymn ‘Jesus Loves Me’ (for the children of course) during a hymn sing, and it was the adults who sang the loudest because I could see they knew it the best.”

Here is a new version just for those who have white hair—or no hair at all.

JESUS LOVES ME

Jesus loves me, this I know,
Though my hair is white as snow.
Though my sight is growing dim,
Still He bids me trust in Him.

(Chorus)
Yes, Jesus loves me.
Yes, Jesus loves me.
Yes, Jesus loves me,
The Bible tells me so.

Though my steps are oh, so slow,
With my hand in His I’ll go.
On through life, let come what may,
He’ll be there to lead the way.

(Chorus)

Though I am no longer young,
I have much which He’s begun.
Let me serve Christ with a smile,
Go with others the extra mile.

(Chorus)

When the nights are dark and long,
In my heart He puts a song.
Telling me in words so clear,
“Have no fear, for I am near.”

(Chorus)

When my work on earth is done,
And life’s victories have been won.
He will take me home above,
Then I’ll understand His love.

(Chorus)

I love Jesus, does He know?
Have I ever told Him so?
Jesus loves to hear me say,
That I love Him every day.

Jesus had no servants, yet they called Him Master.

He had no degree, yet they called Him Teacher.

He had no medicines, yet they called Him Healer.

Jesus had no army, yet kings feared Him.

He won no military battles, yet He conquered the world.

He committed no crime, yet they crucified Him.

He was buried in a tomb, yet He lives today.

Feel honored to serve such a Leader who loves us.

It’s almost Jesus’ birthday
so let us not forget
to give to Him the present,
that He would like the best.

He doesn’t want a stocking
hung upon the tree,
or lots of toys or presents
like selfish you and me.

He only wants our love for Him
to shine out to the earth.
He wants us to tell others
about His miracle birth.

He wants us to bring all we know
to church to worship Him.
He wants us to remember
He died for all our sins.

Please focus on His birthday,
the sacrifice God made,
to send His Son to live and die
so we could all be saved.

This tiny baby Jesus
born in a lowly stall,
He came to bring salvation
to save us one and all.

This Christmas has more meaning,
I’m calm and have such peace,
so let us bow before Him,
and worship at His feet.

The church bells now are ringing
for you and me to bring
our gifts of praise and worship
to our Savior and our King.