“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
• Winston Churchill

“A modest little person, with much to be modest about.”
• Winston Churchill

“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.”
• Clarence Darrow

“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.”
• William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

“Poor Faulkner, Does he really think big emotions come from big words?”
• Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)

“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.”
• Moses Hadas

“He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.”
• Abraham Lincoln

“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.”
• Groucho Marx

“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.”
• Mark Twain

“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.”
• Oscar Wilde

“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play. Bring a friend… if you have one.”
• George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.”
• Winston Churchill, in reply

God made
Adam bit
Noah arked
Abraham split
Joseph ruled
Jacob fooled
Bush talked
Moses balked
Pharaoh plagued
People walked
Sea divided
Tablets guided
Promise landed
Saul freaked
David peeked
Prophets warned
Jesus born
God walked
Love talked
Anger crucified
Hope died
Love rose
Spirit flamed
Word spread
God remained.

Many times man has attempted to destroy the Bible.

In A.D. 303 the Roman Emperor Diocletian issued an edict to destroy Christians and their Bible. The persecution that followed was brutal. Over a burned and extinguished Bible, Diocletian built a monument on which he wrote these triumphant words, “Extincto nomene Christianorum” (the name Christian is extinguished).

Twenty-five years later, Diocletian was dead and the new Emperor Constantine commissioned fifty copies of the Bible to be prepared at government expense.

In 1776, Voltaire, the French philosopher, announced, “One hundred years from my day, there will not be a Bible in the earth except one that is looked upon by an antiquarian curiosity-seeker.”

One hundred years later Voltaire was dead and his own press and house were being used to print and store Bibles by the Geneva Bible Society.

One hundred years from the day of Voltaire’s prediction, the first edition of his work sold for eleven cents in Paris, but the British government paid the Czar of Russian one-half million dollars for an ancient Bible manuscript.

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age, weight and height. Let the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down (keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches).

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let your brain get idle. “An idle mind is the devil’s workshop.” And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and Lots of time with that friend.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life, is our self. Live while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love — whether it’s family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, or hobbies. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health. If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county, to a foreign country, but not to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at every opportunity.

A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art. They had everything in their collection, from Picasso to Raphael. They would often sit together and admire the great works of art.

When the Vietnam conflict broke out, the son went to war. He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier. The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son.

About a month later, just before Christmas, there was a knock at the door. A young man stood at the door with a large package in his hands.

He said, “Sir, you don’t know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son gave his life. He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly. He often talked about you, and your love for art.” The young man held out this package. “I know this isn’t much. I’m not really a great artist, but I think your son would have wanted you to have this.”

The father opened the package. It was a portrait of his son, painted by the young man. He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the personality of his son in the painting. The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears. He thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture. “Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It’s a gift.”

The father hung the portrait over his mantle. Every time visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected.

The man died a few months later. There was to be a great auction of his paintings. Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their collection.

On the platform sat the painting of the son. The auctioneer pounded his gavel. “We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who will bid for this picture?”

There was silence.

Then a voice in the back of the room shouted, “We want to see the famous paintings. Skip this one.”

But the auctioneer persisted. “Will somebody bid for this painting. Who will start the bidding? $100, $200?”

Another voice cried angrily. “We didn’t come to see this painting. We came to see the Van Goghs, the Rembrandts. Get on with the real bids!”

But still the auctioneer continued. “The son! The son! Who’ll take the son?”

Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son. “I’ll give $10 for the painting.” Being a poor man, it was all he could afford.

“We have $10, who will bid $20?”

“Give it to him for $10. Let’s see the masters.”

“$10 is the bid, won’t someone bid $20?”

The crowd was becoming angry. They didn’t want the picture of the son. They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections.

The auctioneer pounded the gavel. “Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!”

A man sitting on the second row shouted, “Now let’s get on with the collection!”

The auctioneer laid down his gavel. “I’m sorry, the auction is over.”

“What about the paintings?”

“I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in the will. I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned. Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the paintings.

The man who took the son gets everything!”

God gave His son 2,000 years ago to die on the cross. Much like the auctioneer, His message today is: “The son, the son, who’ll take the son?”

Because, you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything.

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman hit the roof and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.

As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘What Would Jesus Do?’ bumper sticker, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.”

“Naturally,” said the policeman, “I assumed you had stolen the car.”

by George MacLeod

I simply argue that the cross be raised again at the center of the market place as well as on the steeple of the church.

I am recovering the claim that Jesus was not crucified in a cathedral between two candles, but on a cross between two thieves; on a town garbage heap; at a crossroad of politics so cosmopolitan that they had to write His title in Hebrew and in Latin and in Greek … and at the kind of place where cynics talk smut, and thieves curse and soldiers gamble.

Because that is where He died, and that is what He died about. And that is where Christ’s men ought to be, and what church people ought to be about.

Address: Ephesians 1:20
Phone: Romans 10:13
Website: The Bible. Keywords: Christ, Lord, Savior and Jesus

Hello. My name is Jesus—the Christ. Many call me Lord! I’ve sent you my resume because I’m seeking the top management position in your heart. Please consider my accomplishments as set forth in my resume.

Qualifications
• I founded the earth and established the heavens, (See Proverbs 3:19).
• I formed man from the dust of the ground, (See Genesis 2:7).
• I breathed into man the breath of life, (See Genesis 2:7).
• I redeemed man from the curse of the law, (See Galatians 3:13).
• The blessings of the Abrahamic Covenant comes upon your life through me, (See Galatians 3:14).

Occupational Background
• I’ve only had one employer, (See Luke 2:49).
• I’ve never been tardy, absent, disobedient, slothful or disrespectful.
• My employer has nothing but rave reviews for me, (See Matthew 3:15-! 17).

Skills Work Experiences
• Some of my skills and work experiences include: empowering the poor to be poor no more, healing the brokenhearted, setting the captives free, healing the sick, restoring sight to the blind and setting at liberty them that are bruised, (See Luke 4:18).
• I am a Wonderful Counselor, (See Isaiah 9:6). People who listen to me shall dwell safely and shall not fear evil, (See Proverbs 1:33).
• I have the authority, ability and power to cleanse you of your sins, (See 1 John 1:7-9).

Educational Background
• I encompass the entire breadth and length of knowledge, wisdom and understanding, (See Proverbs 2:6).
• In me are hid all of the treasures of wisdom and knowledge, (See Colossians 2:3).
• My Word is so powerful; it has been described as being a lamp unto your feet and a light unto your path, (See Psalms 119:105).
• I can even tell you all of the secrets of your heart, (See Psalms 44:21).

Major Accomplishments
• I was an active participant in the greatest Summit Meeting of all times, (See Genesis 1:26).
• I laid down my life so that you may live, (See 2 Corinthians 5:15).
• I defeated the archenemy of God and mankind and made a show of them openly, (See Colossians 2:15).
• There are many more major accomplishments, too many to mention here. You can read them on my website, which is located at: www dot – the Bible. You don’t need an Internet connection or computer to access my website.

References
• Believers and followers worldwide will testify to my divine healings, salvation, deliverance, miracles, restoration and supernatural guidance.

In Summation
Now that you’ve read my resume, I’m confident that I’m the only candidate uniquely qualified to fill this vital position in your heart. In summation, I will properly direct your paths, (See Proverbs 3:5-6) and lead you into everlasting life, (See John 6:47). When can I start? Time is of the essence, (See Hebrews 3:15).é

A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.

How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.

Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?

Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.

No one has more driving ambition than the boy who wants to buy a car.

There are no new sins … the old ones just get more publicity.

There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 AM. It could be a right number!

Think about this… No one ever says “It’s only a game” when his team is winning.

Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.

The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow.

If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.

Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.

I’ve reached the age where the happy hour is a nap.

Be careful reading the fine print. There’s no way you’re going to like it.

The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket

Do you realize that in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?

Money can’t buy happiness — but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than in a Yugo.

After a certain age, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you are probably dead.

Reality is the murder of a beautiful theory by a gang of ugly facts.

Birds of a feather flock together and mess on your car.
When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are ” XL.”

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

He who hesitates is probably right.

If you think there is good in everybody, you haven’t met everybody.

If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

There’s always a lot to be thankful for if you take time to look for it. For example I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.

Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs.”